Definition of what a friend is

For those of you who have been reading my blog for a long time or happened to get caught in this discussion with me, I have always pondered on what exactly defines a friend. Along those same lines I have also thought about what one can use as a basis of telling whether someone is a friend. Part of this is my friend Bryan's fault for claiming that acquiantances don't exist; you either are a friend or a stranger. If he wasn't one of my best friend's I would say he is a total nutjob. Actually, scratch that; I *do* say he is a nutjob when it comes to this. =)

Anyway, on the four hour drive back to SLO from my mom's this past weekend (CalTrans made the 101 a single lane just south of Santa Barbara where it is still three lanes; one hour to go 2 miles) I came up with a new way to tell if someone is a friend to you. It all has to do with active and passive caring.

If someone is your friend you actively care about them. You want to know how they are doing, what they are up to, etc. You actively put effort into knowing how they are. Contrast this with an acquiantance where you passively care about the person. You won't make a concerted effort to call them, but if someone mentions them you might ask how they are doing.

It comes down to the effort exerted to find out what the person is up to. A friend you exert an effort to find out how they are doing. An acquiantance, though, you don't go out of your way to find out how they are, but if someone lets you know you have no issue listening to the information.

This all ties into my personal hang-up on people not returning my phone calls or never calling me. If you don't ever call me you are passively caring about my well-being. I am sure you wouldn't want something to happen to me and wouldn't mind knowing where my life has taken me, but you do not make the effort to stay updated by contacting me.

Not returning phone calls is even worse. If I call to find out how you are, but you don't bother to take the courtesy to return my call you are going beyond passively caring and begin to actively *not* caring. You don't return the phone call and thus not only find out how I am but don't allow me to find out how you are.

Yes, I know exceptions exist. Forgetting to return a phone call happens. Some people hate talking on the phone. But there is a reason why I will call up to three times if I don't get my phone call returned (and if you don't get back to me after the second I am already at the stage of being upset; not returning the third promptly and you have to work to gain back the point you lost in my book). And there is IMing and email which are all perfectly legitimate alternatives to phone calls in my book (although my order of preference is phone, IM, email).

Funny thing is that this is essentially the definition of a friend that a friend of mine used to use. She once said she didn't consider us friends because it was half way through the semester and I had not emailed her. Joke of it all is that since she started med school she has become rather atrocious in terms of keeping in contact. =)