Dealing with losing Meesh

One of the first things that hit me hard while dealing with Meesh's death was that there was going to be no more new memories created with her. What I have is it. And while you most likely don't sit there thinking that at least you will have more memories with your friends, it is difficult to grasp the fact that what memories you have is all that you will ever have.

It's also tough losing the only person in the world who knows about everything you have gone through. Meesh was the only person on this planet who knew about everything I have gone through the past three years (granted that is mostly because the stressful stuff was caused by her, but that's not the point). She knew about the worst things I have gone through that no one else does. But now she's gone and there is no one else who I can talk to about stuff that is tied to the past three years who will fully understand.

And I was still dealing with our breakup. Shortly before I left for Pittsburgh I realized I still mentioned Meesh in some regard on a daily basis. I have always viewed one's happiness as a culmination of various things; how happy you are neutrally, happiness brought by your job and home, how each of your friends increase your happiness, etc. One part of the happiness puzzle that Meesh filled in is that of having a partner in life. I always knew I was missing that part and that when I had that missing piece it would be a great thing; and it was. When Meesh broke up with me that part of my happiness began to decline.

When Meesh and I broke up I was still dealing with the loss of that happiness in my life. But at least I still had Meesh as one of my best friends. But upon her death even the happiness she brought me as a friend went away. And of course the loss of a loved one just drags down your happiness on its own. So now do I not have someone in life life who holding in my arms makes me happy, but I have one less person in my life whose smile makes me happy. And that is a hard thing to come to terms with.

Dealing with grief

My former girlfriend passed away about two weeks ago while I was in Pittsburgh. I loved her dearly and she showed me what it was like to have someone love me. She was one of my best friends. I will definitely look back at our good times together very fondly.

But this post is not meant to act as a eulogy, but be about some observations I made while grieving about how today's interconnected world has changed how we deal with grief. For instance, I got an email from Meesh's mother to call her as soon as I could while in the conference in Pittsburgh. I then went outside and phoned her on my cell and she told me what happened. Before the days of cell phones it would have required Meesh's mom to know that I was out of town, in Pittsburgh, and what hotel I was at or what conference to get a hold of me. Without email and easily available Internet thanks to WiFi, I would not have found out what happened until I turned my cell back on. In today's world even bad news reaches us faster than it used to.

After finding out, I was tasked with notifying friends in Vancouver. But with email I was able to take an email Meesh had sent to her local friends and just send an email to all of them about what had happened. I didn't need to track down phone numbers or worry about how to reach people I didn't know; a single email took care of it. It also meant I had to deal with what happened, so my denial phase was rather short lived.

And having to only send a single email was a relief. When I sent it out I was not exactly emotionally put together. It took about a week before I could really talk about it without breaking down. Being able to write an email meant someone didn't have to get a sobbing phone call from me, nor did I have to endure the pain of constantly talking about what happened with people. Plus people were able to email me their condolences; hearing from so many people meant a lot ot me.

I still remember when my dad had to call people and arrange things for my grandmother when she passed away while we were visiting NYC. It took him days in the hotel room, making phone calls, etc. It was not a pleasant experience for him and I am glad I didn't have to go through everything he did to contact people and pass along information.

And Meesh's Facebook page quickly turned into a memorial to her. There was a Wired article a while back about some murder in Oregon and it mentioned how the deceased had a MySpace page that people posted to. Now I understand why people used it like they did. When I posted to Meesh's wall it released a ton of emotions about what I had lost and it let other people share in my grief. Without Facebook everyone would have not been able to share until the funeral which obviously not everyone could make considering Meesh had friends in both Vancouver and the Bay Area. It also spread the news that much faster to even more people than I could reach by email.

Whether we like it or not, how we grieve in this world has changed. From my perspective, it is for the better as it helped me deal with my grief.

Reprising my role as international playboy

I am now single again.  I am not going to post any details over why Meesh and I broke up as that's personal and should not be broadcasted on the Net. The important thing is that I am handling it well enough (e.g., I am not an emotional mess, but obviously I am not elated by this either).

And now back to my deadlines of conference papers, Python 3.0, and finding a new place to live.

Because I am a proud boyfriend

With Meesh being sick, she has started to upload photos to her Flickr account. I have always thought Meesh has been a great photographer. The fact that she managed to get this photo with my Sony point-and-shoot just floors me. And if you look at the comments you will notice that it has already caught the eye of others as well.

I'm a proud boyfriend. =)