Dealing with losing Meesh

One of the first things that hit me hard while dealing with Meesh's death was that there was going to be no more new memories created with her. What I have is it. And while you most likely don't sit there thinking that at least you will have more memories with your friends, it is difficult to grasp the fact that what memories you have is all that you will ever have.

It's also tough losing the only person in the world who knows about everything you have gone through. Meesh was the only person on this planet who knew about everything I have gone through the past three years (granted that is mostly because the stressful stuff was caused by her, but that's not the point). She knew about the worst things I have gone through that no one else does. But now she's gone and there is no one else who I can talk to about stuff that is tied to the past three years who will fully understand.

And I was still dealing with our breakup. Shortly before I left for Pittsburgh I realized I still mentioned Meesh in some regard on a daily basis. I have always viewed one's happiness as a culmination of various things; how happy you are neutrally, happiness brought by your job and home, how each of your friends increase your happiness, etc. One part of the happiness puzzle that Meesh filled in is that of having a partner in life. I always knew I was missing that part and that when I had that missing piece it would be a great thing; and it was. When Meesh broke up with me that part of my happiness began to decline.

When Meesh and I broke up I was still dealing with the loss of that happiness in my life. But at least I still had Meesh as one of my best friends. But upon her death even the happiness she brought me as a friend went away. And of course the loss of a loved one just drags down your happiness on its own. So now do I not have someone in life life who holding in my arms makes me happy, but I have one less person in my life whose smile makes me happy. And that is a hard thing to come to terms with.